Written November 12, 2012. Age 26. Fourteen years after eating disorder onset. In a place of semi-recovery and introspection, looking back, starting to really move forwards, trying to make sense of it all and create a cohesive narrative for myself of my life and eating disorder so far.
A little soul born.
Learns of world as judgmental and untrustworthy.
Must be perfect and liked to be safe, feel safe.
Loses popularity, feels imperfect.
Feels complete panic – has failed her survival mechanisms in this judgmental and untrustworthy world.
Fear and darkness set in, brain in panic mode – I have failed.
Brain goes into survival mode – must deal with uncertainty, find a way to survive and feel safe and in control.
Anorexia.
Perfect, clean, desirable, enviable, in control.
Peace.
And then a different kind of hell, but a manageable one, a controllable one, a predictable one.
If I follow my new set of rules, not needing to be liked, just perfect in a new way
Everything, and I mean everything, feels ok.
Discipline, willpower, un-laziness – my new mantra for holding things together, holding myself together, putting blinders on to the never-ending requirements and judgments of the world that I am exhausted to try to perfect and meet.
This is so much easier, this is so much more in my control, this is something I can do with my willpower and discipline and the outcome is in my control, at last.
No more untrustworthy, judgmental world dictating my feeling of ok.
My heart aches.
Mother somehow connects with my heart.
But she leaves.
I am alone.
Nothing left to make me feel safe and ok in the world
But Ana.
And I turn to her.
And the fulfillment of my needs is intoxicating, addicting, soothing.
But my heart aches.
And I know there is a different way
But I don’t know what it is.
For years I believe in it enough to enter treatment and try to replace Ana with it
But our tie is too strong, my dependence on her too all-consuming to be able to give anything else a fair chance.
The fear, anxiety, panic and guilt I feel when I try to move away from her are debilitating, blinding, crippling, and I crawl back to her in defeated tears.
But life goes on.
On the outside I start seeing things with teenager eyes
While on the inside I have learned to satisfy Ana with such perfection that she is quiet, content, and while I am rigid to her I have the feeling of safety and complete control that satisfying her gives
And this lets me function in the world
As a teenage girl.
And I start to dream
Of boys
And university
And I dream that I can do it, have a life like everyone else
Be the perfect, liked girl who would be able to feel ok in the world without an ED.
And I find a way to compromise.
I feel I am safe in the world with my looks, my grades, my friends, my partying, my seeming normality and acceptance by those around me.
I am able to move away from Ana a little bit – but she is still there.
The university years are a whirlwind
Caught up in life
Ana always in the background though, like training wheels always keeping me a bit penned in but giving me enough security to get out and go.
But I am not living from my heart.
Again, I am finding security in the world by trying to create a me I think the world will accept, so that I can feel safe in it.
I think my heart aches but it is dulled and silenced by alcohol and parties and infatuations with boys who will always remain at a distance, never needing me to become aware of the heart I have tuned out, need to tune out.
Because if I listen, it will tell me this is not sustainable.
Yes, Ana is quieter, but you have replaced her with frantic external pursuits
And after a night with a boy, or a night out at the bar, you sometimes feel it.
You say goodbye to the boy in a cute, girly voice and then come to your room and feel
Funny
The mask drops
Why do you always feel like you are wearing a mask?
I hate that feeling.
But it is the only way I know how to fit into the world.
The world is judgmental and I think I know its criteria.
Mimic those perfect girls on TV, in movies, on Facebook.
The ones who fit in and seem confident, like they have it figured out.
Be like them and you will be okay.
It’s what the world expects of you, and therefore the only way to feel safe in the world.
But it’s not working.
You want to connect with someone deeper but it never happens, never feels possible.
Your heart is relegated, and your mind is driving how you act based on its idea of perfection that it thinks you need to emulate to fit into the world and be liked and therefore safe.
Years later, 2010, your heart starts to ache and yearn.
It wants to feel something more, more authentic, more present in your life.
India.
The place your heart will come alive
And you will feel authentic
For the first time.
But poverty, children, raw experience
And you feel nothing.
You look into the child’s eyes, hugging you, and you want your heart to come alive and break through the hard shell of your brain and its ingrained messages and fears that have created the you that doesn’t feel authentic
But you feel nothing.
And you miss Ana.
Miss her with a longing for her certainty and confidence.
But you know it is based on lies, you feel that now, in the heart that is there, has always been there, but is just not fully awakened.
You turn to Ana briefly, after the fever, loving your bones and the promise of the security they will bring if you dedicate your life to them once more
But you only half believe it.
And crying doing push-ups with your weakened body
You long for something to sweep in and grab your heart and carry it away
To a place where you don’t need Ana and boys and a Hollywood personality to feel ok.
Meditation
Ashram
Mother
Your heart awakens!
Tears!
Bliss!
You have never felt so alive, so authentic, so raw, so connected.
The old you feels like a shell
That you have finally found a way, been given a way, to step out of.
What a different era I have entered in my life.
A time now where my heart has a presence
And authenticity and love are not just concepts but actual experiences.
But it is hard, it is new, it is a process, a journey of growth.
For I am living this new era in the same world that created everything from the beginning
And I have only ever thought of this world as unsafe, judgmental, and something demanding of me in order for me to feel safe and ok in it.
So while my heart is expanding, my mind still interacts with the world according to its old beliefs
Much of the time.
My mind still tries to determine the best criteria for me to shape my external self to in order to be liked and accepted which will make me feel safe and ok in the judgmental, cold world.
It does feel like a shell, a covering, this brain and its messages and beliefs
Swirling over my simmering heart but clouding my heart and dictating my thoughts and how I behave in this world.
But it is slowly thinning, breaking down, crumbling into the fire of my heart below, that is sustained and growing in strength and love.
Every meditation retreat feels like 2 steps forward, as my heart leaps ahead without the daily life and world that engages my brain in its old beliefs.
Coming back, the world, which still looks like the old one, with its judgments and criteria
Grabs a hold of my brain, which is still thick enough to be engaged and to control my thoughts despite my heart
And I take a step back from the condition my heart was in.
But it is one step forward, and this does not go unnoticed.
And I am grateful.
Master, I do love you
I just don’t always know what that love is supposed to feel like, and I wonder if it is there
But it is
And always has been
And it is you that has been the thread pulling my heart in the right direction all along
From my fear-crazed runs up Mountain Highway
To the lonely days in the hospital
To my longing for India and journey to the Ashram
It was always you
Who pulled me through
And it will be you, can only be you, who I feel in my heart
As that ever-stronger presence, wise voice in my heart
Who now is telling me
“This is the way”
“Keep forging ahead”
“You are growing in your wisdom and authenticity and love
And everything has happened for a reason
To start you on this journey
Of two steps forward, one step back.”
And as you change, the world will change
And soon your heart will take over more and more in who you are, and your brain and its veil of messages will become thinner
And interact with the world less
And your heart will come in and create a new vision of the world for you
Coming from a heart that is expanded and present and full of love
And you will no longer care if the world is judgmental or cold or unsafe
Because you have Master in your heart
And you are authentic with your heart
And that is all that matters.