Written April 1, 2010. Age 23. Eleven years after eating disorder onset. Still struggling in the midst of my most significant relapse and realizing that I might be ready for, and really do want, true lasting change and not simply to regain some of my weight back and then return to my rigid eating and routines to rigidly maintain it.  Feeling inspired and excited after reading the book Intuitive Eating for the first time. 

 

I am ready to change in a more drastic manner than ever before. Not simply gain weight but actually change the way I eat – LIVE the vision I’ve always had of eventually eating freely and trusting my body. I’ve hit __ lbs again but this time the thought of regaining and maintaining like I have in the past, mainly carefully increasing my calories in a totally measured and monotonous way and then maintaining by decreasing to a totally rigid menu just feels old….

I always knew, somehow in my heart/gut, that someday I would naturally just get tired of and “outgrow” my ED’s rigidity, and only then, when I was naturally ready, would I be able to actually make real changes other than measured increases in calories. I think I may be reaching/have reached that point. Now I just don’t know if I should try it out on my own or wait for my session with __ [therapist] on April 29 in order to feel in control of the changes and maybe do it slowly to prevent doing it too rashly and regressing. Then again it kind of seems like something I just have to do – you either eat when you’re hungry or you don’t. Maybe I could do it gradually?

I think I really am ready for this though….the thought of maintaining my rigidity is starting to seem pointless/less needed and the thought of eating freely and trusting my body is starting to seem less scary.

Some things I am afraid of:

• Becoming an “unhealthy” or an “emotional” eater like so many “healthy” diets warn against.
• My need for my bedtime snack making me gain weight if I fill myself up unconditionally during the day.
• Reaching a weight I feel too big at that will cause me to restrict again and then never be able to trust myself as a free eater again.
• That I won’t be some lovely, self-accepting, radiant, happy woman like I’ve always told myself/been told I would be if I could give up the ED.

 

Ok so as I was journaling at midnight I couldn’t concentrate because I was hungry so I let myself eat __ and let myself finish the container!

I actually feel really proud of myself and excited! I want this to be the start of something new and not just a momentary blip! How exciting! My life could be so much better!

Using Landmark speak: Wouldn’t it be / it will be! Inspirational if….

• After 11 years of anorexia and restrictive eating I am able to become an intuitive eater?!
• I am able to eat freely and maintain a healthy body?!
• I am able to eat whatever I want in a way that honors and doesn’t ignore my body so that I never yoyo diet?!
• I am able to become totally in-tune with my body so that I always know what it wants and when?!
• I am able to become a true intuitive eater and eating disorder success story?!
• People are amazed I ever had a negative relationship with food?!

This is not just talk or just a blip if I don’t let it be! I am ready for the next step and I am going to make sure it happens!

And man it feels good going to bed on a comfortably full stomach!

This feels right – I think I am finally naturally ready – see?! My intuition IS something to be trusted! And it will turn out that all my restricting was like the elephant dance in the street – totally unnecessary if I really learn to listen to my body:)

And I can do this step by step! I don’t feel the need to make drastic changes, just start by honoring my hunger between my staple meals with foods I’m comfortable with to start! Wow I am proud of myself:)

And remember that this is just one step, or the first step, in becoming self-loving, nurturing and happy and self-confident – just becoming an intuitive eater does not have to show immediate results in my life, but it is necessary to start here for them to follow….self discovery is a process and a gradual journey of which this is just one step.