Written April 11, 2016. Age 29. Seventeen years after eating disorder onset, five years since my solo trip to India. In a place of pretty solid recovery but unhappy and over-stressed at work and dreaming/planning for a new future. Intuitively wanting to quit work and travel, rejuvenate and find my passions, and see where my adult life wants to take me. In my first serious relationship (seven months in) and hoping he will be a part of it. 

 

Notes to self:

• Take your dreams very seriously.
• Follow that feeling: excitement in your belly, lightness and openness and expansion in your heart, joy mixed with a bit of apprehension! But so much peace and excitement.
• Flexible but purposeful.
• Differentiate actual personally meaningful stress from not doing something from ‘should’, self-critic guilt stress.

Goals:

• Recharge and refuel so I can find my passion.
• Discover what lights me up, and what I am naturally gifted in.
• Discover myself, away from ‘shoulds’.
• Fully live recovery and authenticity.
• Get ready for settling down, and discover what I want that to look like.

* This planning and visioning is meant to bring me excitement, think about the possibilities and potentialities of these next steps and changes. I am open to something better or different happening! And this tool is only useful if it brings me peace, not if I become anxious starting to think about how bad it would be if things don’t come to pass this way……..non attachment! But I can still hold this vision lightly, knowing the universe will alter the details as needed, and always for my benefit. 

 

May:

• Explore audiobooks on travelling, entrepreneurship and essentialism for getting ready for this next step, charting the big-picture path.
• Practice doing what brings me joy, minimizing what I do for ‘shoulds’ and experimenting with this.
• Focus on getting more sleep and meditating more regularly.
• AHHHHH – Will John quit?! What does our future together start to look like?! How much of a partner will he be in this journey, endeavour of mine?!

* My overall goal and motivation, which I do not need him for, is to become my biggest, bravest, best self, fuel my own tank and grow, and then feel inspired and naturally giving and benefiting to others, so that I feel filled up internally and touch others from this place. 

June:

• Continue May’s stuff.
• AHHH – 2 weeks off! Omg, dream of flying down to Oakland, helping John pack, and driving to Victoria together. 1 week to pack, few days to drive, few days to settle in, John’s cousin’s wedding in Winnipeg?!

July:

• IF John is here, since work isn’t too much, lots of weekend getaways! Brainstorming for big changes next year.
• Mom and dad move here!!!! Help them as needed!
• If this truly comes to be with John, start planning for next year and getting ready to tell my manager about quitting.
• If John is here, maybe see if he wants to work through some of Chris Guillebeau’s stuff – practices for getting clear on what each of us wants to move towards, and ways of travel hacking!!

August:

• Plan something special for my 30th birthday?!
• Weekend getaways and planning, rejuvenating weekends.
• Tell my manager if ready/sure?

September:

• Busy with work covering inpatients.
• Relax.
• If John is here, this month will be a good test of how I am with him when I am burned-out, stressed, exhausted, short on me/down time.

 

October/November:

• 2 weeks off! Maybe a cheap trip somewhere?!

December:

• Busy covering manager.
• Not much time off for Christmas and New Years – but won’t need to travel!!!! First Christmas with mom and dad here!!!!!!!!

January:

• Start training replacement and wrapping up work?!

February: 

• Last month of apartment lease!
• Move stuff to mom and dad’s?!

March:

• Move out?!
• Set out?!
• Spring break with Nicole in Vietnam?!

 

* This is what I envision now. I am open to something completely different and better!!

Omg, so crazy though how with so much up in the air with John, how I can almost fall back on that letter I wrote to myself two years ago from 32-year-old me to give me some comfort, where I envisioned myself living with a boyfriend……..there is a good chance you met him right now for a reason, for both of you, and it is meant to be and he does move in!! How crazy would that be though?!

I can share my vision with him in a way that puts no pressure……..but assures him I feel good about this, but only if he does! It feels right to me, but it has to to him as well. It will only feel good to me IF it feels good and natural to him!

Everything happens for a reason. Even just him getting me to this place of visioning and planning which I may not have come to on my own, ie. he was meant to come in my life for however long he stays. The resources will come to me no matter what if this is truly my next step! If I keep following my feelings!

 

“Concerning all acts of initiative  and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no one could have dreamt would have come his or her way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” ~ W. H. Murray

“As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears.” ~ Rumi

 

I think everything in my life has come to me in line with this! Walking out on the way was dreaming of a full, recovered life when I set out for a new public high school, university away from home, India, recovery! Even John is just one thing that came to me, he is not a necessity if he leaves. Everything comes in the right time in the right way.