Written June 27, 2011. Age 24. Twelve years after eating disorder onset. Recently returned from solo trip to India, beginning to meditate regularly, and determined to continue the self growth I began there.
Breakthrough. Scared and tentative to call it that but I think it is if I let it be.
Have been feeling quite unhappy lately with my external and often internal life, no boyfriend, nothing exciting, and don’t feel all that authentic and confident at work as I would like. I’ve been reading all these spiritual/self-help books and feel momentarily inspired but nothing all that deep or lasting. My meditations are often very distracted and I miss how I felt in India – less judgmental of myself and less fragmented into Judge and Victim.
After reading The Four Agreements I began really noticing and then becoming curious about my Judge. I realized for one thing just how much it runs my life and is there for every part of it and has a comment/judgment for everything I do, and lately I’ve been getting so sick of its criticizing voice! What is it? What does it want?! Then just now it came to me, helped by what I read in The Four Agreements!
The Judge is the voice I have learned, developed and internalized which is a composite of my domestication and it judges me from an external standpoint based on external standards for how well I fit into the cookie cutter ideals I believe I need to meet in order to fit in and be appropriate/perfect in our fabricated external world! Here’s what I have realized about this Judge and why I always feel crappy by him and why I never feel I measure up when I do my best to feel authentic:
- The Judge bases his standards and judgments on purely external checkpoints that are garnered from media and other people’s opinions and doesn’t care about my uniqueness.
- I never perfectly fit his cookie cutter because I am unique and in touch with my soul which never surrenders enough to fit me perfectly into the Judge’s mold. It is a lose-lose situation which explains why I’ve been feeling so frustrated and crappy lately – I never satisfy the Judge and my soul suffers from me rejecting it and my uniqueness by trying to fit into the mold and ridiculing it when it won’t fit.
- I need to see it as a positive that I don’t feel I can fit totally in at work – it’s because my soul has substance that withstands the mold!
- All the negative feelings/thoughts I ever have are because of the Judge! I either feel like shit because I’m subject to his ridiculing voice for not fitting an external mold or my heart and soul feels uneasy from my efforts to ignore and betray them to try to satisfy the Judge and squish into a false mold!
- All the negative aspects of my character are in some way because of the Judge – He makes me feel shitty about myself and unhappy and I then lash out at those around me or feel jealous or needy because of his messages. When I believe him and am unhappy with myself for not meeting his standards it makes me unable to be happy for others and to act in loving ways when his criticisms have made me not love myself.
Where do I go from here?
- This realization alone is huge as it allows me to answer why I either feel like a failure externally or else inauthentic!
- Now I have to start dissolving the Judge, which will be hard I’m sure since I’ve had it and listened to it and bought into it for so long! But I am determined to do it and so I will! By:
- Recognizing its voice when it speaks.
- Calling it on its falseness.
- Opposing its message with a real one from my heart filled with Truth and Love.
- Dissolving the Judge and at least being able to ignore it or minimize it at first is the only way I will ever feel fully happy, content and at peace because since I am unique and have a real heart and soul that is deeper than the superficial world I will never 100% fit into its mold and make it happy. Plus, even if I was able to then I would feel detached and inauthentic because I would be out of touch with who I really am!
In India I felt whole and peaceful because the Judge was quieter because most of his standards for criticism were missing – social interactions and guys and grades and jobs.
From meditating and reading these books I have the power to dissolve, or at least disbelieve, his judgments, but it will take time and perseverance and patience and gentleness, he is very ingrained and I have believed him for so long.
But I now know that ALL my unhappiness and self-rejection comes from him – from either feeling like a failure by looking at myself through his eyes or from feeling out of touch with myself and inauthentic during my attempts to please him.
The process of dissolving him will be long and hard and he will not give up easily but I am determined to win. I will now begin to try to:
- Not look at myself through his fake and limited eyes.
- Identify and ignore his judgments and criticisms.
- Trust my inner wholeness and perfectness and stop trying to please him and fit his molds. This includes not caring what others think which is really him telling me what others think!