Written April 21, 2010. Age 23. Eleven years after eating disorder onset, and 20 days after my last journal entry (True Change, Hopefully (Part 1)). A good example of the fear and struggle associated with making changes and challenging my eating disorder behaviour, despite how motivated to recover and tired of my eating disorder I felt.
Such a different entry than my last one….I’m having/had today a hard time eating my increased calories and coming to terms with gaining weight….not because I don’t think/know I’ll look better at __ lbs but for some reason it’s just been harder than I thought it would be to eat more and feel full….and the gaining is tough either way…either I feel scared at feeling full or I feel scared that I don’t feel full yet and might still be gaining weight! :s So tough and today I was so ready to just stop and go back to maintaining with my calories to escape all the discomfort. I’m gonna make myself at least eat the __ for a week though so 2 more days….and hopefully not all the days will be like this and I’ll be able to stick to it for a month or until I hit __ lbs.
Today my feelings were:
- Anxiety
- Sadness
- Fear
- Doubt
- Ambivalence
I hope tomorrow is easier! I really want to kick this (see previous entry) and I know I will only get there by surviving and not being thwarted by days like today….and I should not give up on me! No matter how ready I am to change (see previous entry) I would be silly to think it would be easy. I think help will help….I hope __ [therapist] is good! I can do this…I believe in my strength and that I want something better….
I will not let the critic rule my life!!